when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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