can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
one might say we're banned from that church
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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