I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i will never coherently bang her
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
dude. I can hear the air.
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