I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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