Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
