i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My vagina just recognized that song.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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