Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
