I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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