I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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