I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
In America we eat man semen.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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