Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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