this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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