one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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