Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You're a waste of cheezeits
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
