Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
If I die, sorry about rent.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
