when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
