he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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