I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
