I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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