Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
