WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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