she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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