do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
