You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
