There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
