Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
