YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I want her autograph on my taint
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
