How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
