dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
