K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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