Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
