Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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