i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
