I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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