I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
