I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
