I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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