Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
