He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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