Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
