Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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