I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
