On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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