Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
