We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
