The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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