u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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