My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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