i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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