so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
