Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
