Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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