I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
