your thong is hanging out like whoa
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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